How to Break a Shame Spiral
A couple weeks ago I was with a friend reminiscing about college and fun travels we’d had together, when she suddenly brought up a story that really stung.
It was a story that used to elicit deep shame in me. A story about a 21 year old girl who was looking for love and affirmation in all the wrong places. Who did stupid things to get that “love”...sometimes even dangerous things.
Like going with strange men to strange places because she was desperate for affection--but deceived herself calling it “spontaneous.”
Like drinking too much in order to feel sexy and confident--as if that’s the key.
Like almost jeopardizing a job opportunity because she partied too hard the night before an interview.
You might be thinking, “How stupid!” And in a way, you’d be right. But beneath those stupid, risky behaviors wasn’t just 21-year-old stupidity, but also a deep desire for love and acceptance.
So, when this friend brought up one of my shenanigans over lunch, I was instantly brought back to that place of vulnerability. And I felt shame. Or rather, I felt the door opening to shame.
In the past, I would have walked through that door and ridden the shame spiral all day long. I would have left my own body and spun in my head for hours--completely losing presence with myself and those I was with. I would have replayed that night over and over thinking, “How could you be so stupid? How could you be so desperate? How could you…”
My friend didn’t share the story to shame me. In her mind, it was funny, and light and mostly innocent.
But to me, the story revealed a deeper narrative that I’ve spent years trying to rewrite. The narrative that in order for me to be loved, I had to be: sexual, desired, spontaneous...fill in the blank.
In that moment at the table, I felt my body rushing with emotion, but intentionally chose to close the door to shame and choose self-love and self-acceptance instead. (Many of us seek love and acceptance from others, but how often do we generously offer it to ourselves.)
So, I wanted to share with you the method I use that helps me out of the shame spiral.
I’m no sketch artist, so please excuse these rudimentary graphics. But I wanted to draw you a little sumthin sumthin because, I think it’s much more powerful in visual form.
The Downward Shame Spiral looks a little bit like this:
First, we experience a trigger event: like a friend telling an unflattering story about us, or we get a late notice on a bill again, or we don’t get an interview for that job we really wanted.
This leads to a feeling of shame: Brené Brown defines shame, “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed...something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” According to neuroscience, “When faced with shame, the brain reacts as if it were facing physical danger, and activates the sympathetic nervous system generating the flight/fight/freeze response.”* In other words, our nervous system becomes flooded with activity.
An old story is reinforced which says something like, “You’re so irresponsible” or “no one likes you” or, “you’ll never get a job.”
This turns into negative self-talk which can drive us crazy. Especially when it’s paired with extreme language, like “all or nothing” or “always/ever/never.”
We begin to remember other similar experiences of shame like this. Other stories or examples that reinforce the old, shame-inducing story.
This leads us to want to hide, withdrawal or cover up our shame.
Leading to even more shame. Feeling disconnected from others, and down the spiral we go.
This is a nasty cycle, one I’m very familiar with. And one that creates more disconnection, more shame and more sadness.
Shame “wins” when it separates us from others and tells us we are alone, unlovable or unworthy of belonging. It’s a bald-faced lie.
Your past doesn’t define you.
The stupid things you did 10 years ago, 10 days ago or 10min ago do not define your worth, value, or the woman you are becoming. You are responsible for your actions, but you don’t have to stay stuck in your old story.
The good news is that just as we have downward shame spiral, there also exists an upward shame spiral. One that can take us out of shame, out of flight/fight/freeze and back into self-love, self-acceptance and lovingly moving forward in life.
I’ll be sharing this Upward Self-Love Spiral live with you tomorrow at 12pm PST. Join me as I walk you through the Four Steps I take to stop the Shame Spiral and heal my triggers.
The Upward Shame Spiral looks like this:
Again, you experience the trigger. Triggers are just a part of life. We will always have triggers--hopefully fewer and fewer the more work we do and the more shame resilient we become.
Again, your nervous system may experience a flood of feelings and activation.
But, here’s where we can catch the shame and choose the upward spiral instead!
Slow down the nervous system--by coming into the body through Heart Breathing, orienting to your environment, or self-soothing through gentle touch like stroking your arms, hair or thighs.
Identify the old story that is coming up. This time, you’re recalling the story not to beat yourself up with it, but rather to heal the story. To heal the part of you who wanted that love, acceptance or affirmation. Because, those things are not bad desires, but they sometimes lead us to do things that we later regret. In order to heal the story, we first have to notice the story and realize what was motivating us.
Self-love, self-love, self-love! Once you’ve identified the old story, send yourself so much self love. Be kind to the part of you who was seeking to get her needs met and recognize that you hadn’t learned a better way yet. Self-love can look like affirmations, it can look like smiling on that part of you or recalling the younger version of yourself with kindness.
Look for evidence of a new story.
Add to this:
Shame grows in darkness (reference Brené brown)
Speak or write out what you feel
Shame stories on one side of the page
And then replace those shame stories with the truth
The truth can set you free
You are worthy of love and belonging.
Don’t let the shame fester and grow.
Choose to defuse the shame with love and acceptance. Either yours and/or that of another ♥️
Self hate says punish yourself. Self-love says, “what’s the most gentle way you can hold yourself right now??”