Healing from self-hate...what I wish the Texas shooter knew 💔

My heart is heavy this week, as I know many of yours are, too.

And while I could go on and on about the pain this causes me as a human, a mother, a mother to a young child, a mother to a young boy, and a mother to a young hispanic boy—so many intersections that the shooting in Texas tenderly but brutally touch…

I want to talk about the shooter for a moment.

I weep for this shooter. I am enraged at this shooter, and I’m so angry at the system we live in that spawned this shooter and his actions. I’m angry that we live in a world where manhood and toxic masculinity lead young boys to do irreparable damage in the name of “power.” The most misguided toxic “power” there could ever be. And the victims of this power are the most vulnerable and innocent. It makes our stomachs turn.

I firmly believe we need policy change and gun control so that this never happens again—it should never have happened in the first place (not this week and not 10 years ago at Sandy Hook).

And, I also believe his heinous act is the byproduct of our desperately lonely, misguided society. A society that brews self-hate. 

The gunman did not just suffer from hate for others, he suffered with self-hate. He suffered from deprivation—he was deprived of deep connection, emotional health, familial health, genuine friendship and accountability, mentorship and leadership. He was deprived of hope and meaning for his life. Being deprived of these things (whether actively or passively) leads to deep self-hate. And…

Self-hate is what motivates hate for others. Trauma perpetuates trauma.

I truly believe that any violent, harmful, or abusive action someone takes towards another is simply an externalized abuse of themselves. It’s an action to justify the internal hatred or pain they feel. Put another way, violence towards others is a way to diffuse the pain of one’s own trauma onto another person. The (misguided) logic goes: it’s too much for me to cope with, I must bring someone else down with me. It’s not the right, but it’s true.

Here’s what I wish 18-year-old Salvador Ramos knew:

You are not the things that happened to you, mijo. Whatever pain, trauma, brainwashing that you may have suffered through, that’s not the real you, child. You are beloved. You are worthy. You are capable of change. You are worth someone’s tenderness, care and compassion. It wasn’t your fault what happened to you—the traumas you endured, the neglect, the pain. 

You are someone who people want to be around. You are enough. You don’t have to hate others, hurt others, or kill others to be significant. You are significant because you are alive. 

And, my friend, you are better than this. 

Maybe this approach is way too compassionate in your eyes, reader. Maybe you’re too busy feeling rage to feel any compassion for him. If that’s you, I hear you. I validate that rage. It’s right to be enraged and outraged about this.

But to put all of this squarely on the shoulders of one 18-year-old’s terrible decision isn’t taking the whole story into consideration. This boy is a product of our broken world and broken systems. We need policy change, and we need social change.

We need change for our children. To protect them at school. To pass laws that ensure their safety every day when they are going to learn and play.

We need change for our teachers. Because they do enough for our children—becoming soldiers should not be in the job description.

And we need change for the young men like Salvador Ramos who know not what they do. Whose brains aren’t even fully developed yet—how could they be trusted with a weapon? Who are reeling from the trauma of their own childhood and don’t need a gun, they need a therapist, and a friend, and a mentor.

I see women, world-changing women doing work every day to heal our world, and showing the way for the next generation. Where are the men doing the same? 

It’s time for change.

Here’s what I am doing:

• Calling my representatives. You can use Everytown to send a message to your senator in just a couple clicks. 

• Making plans to open up my signature self-love program Sacred to people of every gender. Because I believe that when people of all genders (especially men) heal their internalized self-hate, they stop perpetuating harm onto others and begin the work of healing their life and the world around them.

• Holding my little one close and fighting for change so he never has to go to an elementary school and fear for his life.

Are you taking a stand? Every voice matters. Do not lose hope, my friend. We are the changemakers.

In grief and strength,

Devin